2016

As I suspect it has been for many people, my 2016 has been a difficult one: stained by disappointments and heartbreaks, large and small.

Everything that felt like it was moving things forward – from elections & referenda, to stuff that only really impacts John & me – went in the opposite way to which I’d hoped/thought it would go. Throughout the year, I’ve had glimpses of what might be next, only to have the rug pulled from under my feet by uncontrollable circumstance. It’s been a rough ride, that’s lead to an overall feeling of, at best, stagnation, or worse, regression.

But.

But.

I haven’t had a bad year, per se. On a day to day level, I’ve mostly been happy. When I have been sad, it has had a direct, obvious cause (mostly dog related) and I found comfort knowing that one way or another, they wouldn’t be long term problems. (Thinking about any of the dogs still brings tears to my eyes but again, I know time will heal.) As someone with a twenty year history of depression, to know the specific reason for my sadness or stress is strangely comforting.

Though I haven’t been posting them online, I have kept writing my daily “Three Beautiful Things” entries and I’ve also made a concerted effort to apply a similar outlook to other biographical things I write for myself. I have such a natural tendency to focus on bad bits of every situation and that rewrites the whole memory with a negative slant: it’s time for a bit of a refocus before all the good memories are wiped out all together.

John and I have also been busy making new – good – memories this year. (This post is intended as an aide-memoire for FutureLouisa so please excuse/skip the ensuing list.)

• We’ve been to all sorts of gigs – from the jolly pantomime of the Divine Comedy and the Tiger Lillies, to the mesmerizing Hawk & A HackSaw and The Shee; and from the very loud, very lively Molotov Jukebox and the various bands we saw at the Carefully Planned Festival (including our favourite, Admiral Fallow) to calmer, more traditional performances including as a(n albeit science themed) ceilidh and an organ recital at Leeds Town Hall. John’s also played at a few open mic nights and it’s a pleasure watching him grow in confidence and skill as a performer.
• We’ve also been to various talks (everything from Harry Leslie Smith to the ethics of sex robots), and museum events where we learned about lots of different, themed things. We went back to Kielder Observatory, to the Airecon board gaming convention and the Wuthering Bytes tech conference. We also went to a modern circus/clowning performance and grinned solidly at their amazing acrobatic skills for two whole hours.
• We/I’ve learned a few new skills too. We’ve tried whittling, pewter casting, resin casting and paper marbling. I’ve explored on Islamic geometric drawing (maths & art = fun!), kumiho braiding and tapestry weaving. I’ve also learned about book binding and made my first zine. Away from misc craft skills, we’ve also taken a canoeing course (yet to try it in the wild though!) and learned how to drive & work together to moor a (powered) boat. I’ve also started a French course at Leeds Beckett uni and with (genuine!) bad memories of French classes at school swirling in my head, I’m surprised how much I enjoy the weekly sessions.
• Thanks to badly timed holidays and instances of the flu, I’ve only kept the allotments and garden ticking over rather than thriving and I’ve not made as much as I’d like this year either. (I have had a last minute spurt though: I’ve made a cowl, a shawl, finished two WIP blankets and have got halfway through a new blanket in the last week alone!) Some good habits (daily drawing & yoga, reading more) installed towards the end of last year petered out when life got a bit busier but I’ve shaken off (or marginalised) some other bad habits without much effort.
• And despite reading less once spring sprung, I’ve still got through (and reviewed) fourteen fiction books, four non-fiction books, and eight graphic novels, which isn’t too bad. I’ve found reviewing them to be really valuable, even if no one else ever reads the reviews: they’ve helped me to structure my thoughts on specific elements of each book, often leading to larger lessons for my own writing and for successfully finding future things to read.

There is part of me that knows that all this stuff is just distraction while the bigger picture stuff gets away from me (from all of us) but at the same time, I feel like I’m making babysteps of progress. I feel like I’ve been stretching myself slightly more than normal this year, slightly out of my comfort zone, and it’s … not gone badly. I feel like I’m slowly rewiring my brain and finding new coping strategies, and even in the face of crashing disasters that leave me very pessimistic about the world in general, I feel more optimistic about things, in my own head, than I have done in a long, long time.

I also feel like I’m finding more people who are enthusiastic about things as I am – it almost doesn’t matter what things – and I love sharing that passion with them. This year, I’ve reconnected with some friends I thought were long-lost, rejuvenated relations with others that were waning due to distance & distractions, and strengthened bonds with some of my more everyday buddies – and have surprised myself by the strength of love I feel towards all three of the groups. Perhaps this is how (some) mentally healthy/neurotypical people feel all the time but it’s certainly a new sensation for me. I hope it continues.

I have a growing list of things I’d like to accomplish in 2017 but really, they’re all embroidery on that main desire – to keep making progress in myself, with my mental health. The rollercoaster will inevitably surprise us with more peaks & plummets in 2017 and I hope I become better equipped to deal with them.

Onwards.

Pictures:

Group 1: Lily self-swaddled at New Year; John & Lily love each other; whittling foxes; letterpress; sleepy kitties; zine pile; pewter casting; my old house in Liverpool; John & Z make a tower.

Group 2: Norfolk sunset; Hive on the boat; wild mooring at Ant Broad; Strange in a flower bed; I read comics while John plays piano; marbling; painting; my politics; Strange with her portrait.

Group 3: Ilkley Lido on my birthday; sweetcorn – best allotment crop; disco bulb in the corridor; Powergrid; two watchful buddies; Ricochet Robots; Tilda sniffing a spider; World Curry Festival okra; Salty the helium dog.

Group 4: New loom; tuckered out John; Kaufman pillow stealer; Bradford light night; Ticket to Ride at Airecon; Abby & Lana; kitty trio; John pretending to be Bajoran; Tilda in a top hat.